Forum of the Rings
by Gil1234
Summary: Accounts of Middle Earth reported by the resident newspaper "The Forum" - A general occurance.
1. Sauron PwNed!

**Sauron PWNed!**

Reuters: Today marks the one year anniversary of The Forum; your resident newspaper bringing you knowledge of events from across the dark worlds, white worlds, dwarven and elven – but that is not the only celebration in the air. Two hours ago, dark Lord Sauron was defeated in thorough contrast to what he said when he was interviewed before the battle. "I'll fuck you up." He stated when questioned, at which our reporter ran and still has yet to be found. The orcs outnumbered the free people's army 1115 to 1, but all that was for naught when the great Lord Sauron himself decided to engage in battle only to have his pinkie cut off and disappear. One anonymous source stated he was trying to make up for what he lacks in a different department – we have presented this notion to the leadership of the dark army and they have yet to comment, which only sheds light to the fact that Sauron indeed lacked _something. _

Celebrations were however short lived, as in all this commotion a dwarf was stepped on and squashed. Fingers are now being pointed at their Elven counterparts, and compensation has been asked for in the form of twelve elven damsels, or boys to be delivered to Erebor – regardless of priority as the dwarves care not for gender and stated on several occasions, they consider themselves to be a gender tolerant society as seen from the beards sported by both sexes. Further investigation in the matter had led our people to the deep Fangorn forests, but nothing is apparent as to what exactly could have squashed the dwarf as only trees reside in the area.

A joint coalition of Imladris and Gondor had today created an Elven inspector – comprising of a team of members who are now responsible for seeking out the Dark Lord's remains, as Islidur claimed "the battle ain't over till I say it's over!" and is now actively seeking him out so he can duel with him again.

In totally unrelated news, the one ring is still not destroyed.


	2. Halfling's Leaf or Bust!

**Halfling's Leaf or Bust!**

Reuters: Today Middle Earth was filled with the voices of demons, elves, dwarves and men alike – all sharing their love for the common weed found in the lower echelons of Hobbiton. Promises were made by a local wizard by the name of Gandalf, a man of small stature but great importance amongst the undesirables of this society – who insisted the local Lords legalize this plant or prepare themselves for anarchy even greater than the last battle of Middle Earth! Per usual no response was heard from Mordor or the Misty Mountains, but locals claim to smell odour in the air caused by the harvest of this plant in these regions. Whilst not as potent, some claim it carries a distinct flavour and is used to breed giant octopus like creatures within the waters to scare out the dwarves.

The rally began to gather at Hornbug at the strike of dawn, and 5000 strong began to make their way to Hobbiton. Creatures of every kind partook, and some claimed the figure of a grey wizard leading them on a giant bird was more comic than anything else. Village children gathered at Isengard to toss stones and pebbles at the crowd sometimes in disarray, and families gathered for a picnic in every town this rally crossed to view this comic spectacle. Word travelled fast to Bree where a special milita of more children, village idiots and fools gathered to welcome the now exhausted rally – and tossed more stones, pebbles, & even tomatoes at them. When questioned the Governor of Bree claimed it was all done in good humour, but Gandalf insisted it was an attempt to foil the rally.

"Do not take me for a conjurer of cheap tricks!" He claimed, which seemed extremely contradictory for an old man who carried only firecrackers and rode on a giant bird that almost always looked as if it was cursing its fates. After much veal and valour, the halfling's leaf has finally been legalized and is now sold in all corners of Middle Earth numbing its population for better or for worse. One Rhunic soldier claimed this was the only thing that brought them together, his statement was immediately opposed by all the Lords in Free People's lands.

In other news a goblin-that-looks-like-a-hobbit-but-not-really-a-hobbit-of-two-personalities by the name of Gollum was abducted today and is now being tortured as he is suspected of possessing the one ring. The Lords don't seem too concerned as one anonymous source pointed the orcs are merely doing this for fun – and goblins that look like hobbits are big fat liars anyway.


	3. Hobbiton DA! One Ring Found?

**Hobbiton Disappearances and Arrests! – One Ring Found?**

Reuters: A hobbit by the name of Bilbo Baggins pulled a trick today which is hard to do for even the most scholastic wizards! He disappeared in thin air whilst drinking the special smial punch and celebrating his 111th birthday, at first the target of our suspicions was Gandalf – a so-called wizard most renowned for leading bunch of riffraff in a "Make Halfling Leaf Legal" rally, but further inspection proved otherwise. Residents at the party blame the drinks, and claimed the liquor content was too high. "Me dad disappeared on me mum!" One claimed, "this was before I was born and she said too much leaf and liquor made 'im disappear in thin air!" There has also been reports about a recent complaint at the hobbiton sheriff about Bilbo who has been blamed for living in borrowed property for more than a hundred years, could this be a publicity stunt aimed at getting people's mind off his recent misdemeanour? The office of sheriff stated how this has been an occasional occurrence in these parts, especially amongst hobbits. You can learn all there is to know in a month, and yet after a hundred years they can still surprise you – Gandalf expressed his unease at the statement and went on to debate how Bilbo is an upright, standing hobbit in these parts at which the sheriff's office blamed him for harbouring an indecent relationship with the patron at which our resident huffed, puffed and walked away. However no responsibility has been claimed so far for the mysterious firecracker explosion that destroyed half of Hobbtion Sheriff Department in the night that followed. Concerns are now voiced in all of Hobbtion as Gandalf is now openly referred to as not only a 'so-called' wizard, but also a troublemaker;

In the neighbour-side, Bree county has arrested 9 mysterious hoodies who rode on black steeds and trampled all that was in there path. We interviewed Guard Captain Erkenbrand who said this was the primary reason why he has been fighting for five years to pass the hoodie ban. "A real man don't hide behind bedsheets", he claimed; "To put on bedsheets only shows you are not a (free-peoples) citizen!" He was later taken to a corner and explained the riders had hoodies on and not bedsheets, he failed to understand and refused to comment further. One of our reporters has been posted at the outside of his property, and would interview him when he's back and can understand. Once again fingers are being pointed at the ETC or Elven Transport Council that had failed to administer its rules properly in the Eriador region. The sheriff's department said they had yet to get a statement from the arrested hoodies and are now merely waiting for the court to order proper conviction, or bail to be made by a bondsman on their behalf.

In other news, a small hobbit now claims to be Bilbo's nephew and says to possess the one ring, eagerly making his way to Bree with three other hobbits of which two are renowned thieves, and one is not known at all.


	4. Stryder aka Aragon aka Faction Heir?

**Stryder aka ranger aka Aragorn aka faction heir?**

Reuters: Reports have been received of Islidur's heir roaming the forests as a ranger, and is now held in suspicion for impregnating several of the elven damsels roaming the woods. When threatened with 20 years imprisonment within the misty mountains, our culprit shouted out they had no right to treat their "king" thus, which makes one wonder what was his Majesty trying by harbouring unhealthy relationships with the local wildlife, as one elf spotted him doing so, in the absence of his Elven counterparts. "There will come a day when we break all bonds of fellowship, not this day! But not this day!" He shouted, the captain of the guard must have understood our discomfort at the scene so he smacked the ranger once more. He did not give us much trouble after that. The court has yet to decide on this forlorn ranger's fate, but it's been agreed the guard captain can use his authority to the fullest until a verdict is reached. Just moments ago we received reports how a plan is made where the ranger is to be stripped and taken to the nearby Pomethary ponds. The pond is famous for its tasty piranha and rumour has it our culprit might be lowered arse-first and dangled for hours for the next three days. We commended the guard captain for his wonderful plan as this would not only cover the much-needed entertainment for the local folks, but also prove to be a valuable lesson how mating with animals does cure an aching heart but gives one a nasty infection.

An emergency cabinet meeting has been called by the Steward of Gondor, though it remains unclear whether its being held in light of the recent discovery, or to find out who has been supplying the latest busty female Denethor action figures and sex dolls in Minas Tirith. The White City had refused to comment but an anonymous source stated it was to tarnish the good Steward's name, and is in thorough collaboration between Mordor and Haradrim. In totally unrelated news, authorities now confirmed "We are better than you!" written in Haradrim language at the coast separating the two brave nations was merely malice caused by the locals. Captain Faramir, second in line to the throne has been despatched who insisted on riding forth with just a handful of knights, and was quoted as saying. "If I return, may I be the first in line father?"

Denethor has refused to comment.


	5. Isengard  Sauron Safe Haven?

**Isengard – Sauron safe haven?**

Reuters: It was reported long standing allies Gandalf and Saruman today called a mutual end to their partnership in light of the current diplomatic sanctions placed because of Imladris, it must be noted Isengard had been actively avoiding Free People's inspectors for the last several months – who still had yet to turn with proof of Sauron's remains since the last 3000 years. We interviewed several inhabitants in the region who claim the world is coming to an end; "'Tis TREES! I tell ye! Walkin' trees that roam 'round to pick their dead! Don't you laugh at me – I know an orc friend who'll fuck you up!" We have sent our complaints to Bree about the recent merc orcs accumulation in this area as not only do they give cowards a mean to defend themselves, but is a defiance to the true nature of capitalism. Our investigations led us to a nearby pool where we spotted several children rolling in the mud, further inspection proved it was no ordinary pool, it resembled more a ditch which is sometimes used to create legendary Elven Jell-o, much famous amongst the younger populace around the whole of Middle Earth. More habitants have claimed that this jell-o forming ditch shall now be used to create a more powerful form of orcs known as Uruk Hai, at which our resident experts laughed and insisted there is no such thing as 'powerful sort of orc.'

One of the elven inspectors in search of Sauron stated his discomfort how they were undermanned for a reason, and how the search was politically motivated – in his last 5000 years of existence he reported they had yet to come across any evidence that would lead to the Dark Lord Sauron himself, and they didn't know what to do once they even locate him, and if they do he wondered out loud if that's even such a big deal since now Islidur was dead.

We interviewed an orc feller at Isengard who openly said "No sweepin' 'ere!" which leads us to believe that Arathorn's dream of orcs and men, elves and dwarves existing together is no longer a reality, a man fond of crossbreeding whose manuscript "Halt the Crossbreeder's witch-hunt – LURve all" was critically acclaimed as one of the most valiant efforts in an attempt to bring all the factions together, we now have it on good knowledge that he is twisting and turning in his grave, local reporters have been rushed to cover the scene.

Isengard had been a long standing Free Peoples ally, but our elven friends don't seem too concerned with the break-up. "Oh, we? We are going away to Never-never land where we will stay alive forever, 'tis humans – they are fucked." Some even insist the alliance broke not because of sanctions, but the conflict was merely started by a crystal ball. Our reporter followed Gandalf as he made his way into the tower, and after several unidentified rumbling and thumble, it was evident something had gone wrong. "Gandalf wanted it all for 'imself, I tell ya! All for 'imself!" Our resident troll expert said. In other news a horde of butterflies and big birds have been spotted circling the tower of Isengard – the local Wildlife expert had been informed.


	6. Bar Brawl!

**Bar Brawl!**

Reuters: Several moments ago it was brought to our attention that a brawl broke out in an inn at Bree – Could this be the result of the accumulating hobbits in this part of the region? We find out more;

"Bree is a city of both humans and hobbits," claims the governor, who was not too happy about being woken up in the middle of the night – "and we understand how it's possible when two races intermingle with each other a lot, there are fights that break out." We asked him what he had to say about the recent scandal involving him and several hobbiton & dwarven women discovered at his bedchamber at which the governor insisted he had no comment but if he had anything to say at all, it would be; "This is free people's lands! FREE! I can do whatever or whoever I want, I'm the bloody governor!" The door was slammed on our faces, but it made us wonder nonetheless if being free was really that good after all and if it was not worth giving Dark Lord Sauron a chance at ruling since it could remove wierdos like the governor of Bree out of office.

Some suspect the malice to be work of Bilbo's nephew Frodo Baggins. It is now truly apparent that Bilbo didn't adopt Frodo out of pure sympathy, but he wanted to pass on the knowledge of disturbing peace in the most unlikely of places. We have also been informed that the nine hoodies who were arrested earlier for causing malfeasance in the area have escaped, and the captain of the guard has been trampled. Whilst still breathing, we have been forced to commemorate his bravery and thus we did lest we be tossed out into the drastic Haradrim coast; "a brave captain who deserves no less honour! Whilst not having achieved much in his life, he saved his county the costs of hiring another Captain. Bravo!"

A special reward of ten gold pieces and pound of Halfling's leaf is offered to anyone who catches the nine hoodies. We are pleased to announce the recent inauguration of "Letters to The forum!" and to make a splendid start our readers are encouraged to write and let us know how they'd want the nine hoodies punished.

"_They serve 'em in pints! Bloody pints!"_ This message has been brought to you by Merry and Pippin, who insisted we post it or else say goodbye to our next harvest – we decided to be prudent. Don't forget to get our next issue where we document the first ever Middle Earth wife swap! What happens when an orc gets a dwarf for a wife? And how does the orc lass fare against the rugged dwarven mines? Can the she-dwarf withstand the 'might' of Mordor? Or would the orc female give it up in the face of fine Dwarven craft? Find out more on "One Elven Joyride!"


	7. Oos the Fairest of 'em All?

"'**Ooos the Fairest of 'em All?"**

Imladris, High Elves – Reuters: Its true! We witnessed the notion firsthand how it doesn't rain sometimes – it pours. A reporter was earlier despatched to finally interview the eldest Eldar High Elf "Lord Elrond" after many requests to our offices by both elves and mail, we finally succumbed after finding a dead rat in one of the envelopes fearing for our lives 'lest Lord Elrond put a voodoo curse on us. But to Lord Elrond's grave dismay, 'tis not his interview that made these headlines, as much as he'd like to admit he's fair, hale and hearty. 'Tis what we found on our way is what shook our very foundations! (and truth be told we are not into 10000 year old elves.)

We discovered a hideout, or what resembled one. The smell of crisp meat in the air was hard to miss! But before we could have gone any further, we found the nine hoodies making haste towards the top of the peak, we followed them and who did we find? The trouble-maker Frodo with his two thieves and the fat-hobbit-whose-name-we-still-don't-know sitting across from a fire as two of them cooked meat and one tried to stomp it for extra flavour, and if that wasn't enough Stryder aka Aragorn aka ranger-call-me-faction-heir made his appearance! Hard enough as it was with a storm brewing in the horizons, we could not make out what either of them said, but it was apparent this was the much-awaited meeting which we have been hearing rumours about. With Gandalf out of the picture, these law breakers now need a new leader for their bigotry and what better than a forlorn tower in the middle of nowhere on Middle Earth? But something went wrong, the hobbits found the 9 hoodies' terms unappealing thus they started dancing, at which the nine hoodies unsheathed their swords menacingly! His highness Aragorn appeared and started doing the age old sword dance as well, where you beat a sword against another whilst dancing to try to rid one of rat in their pants, but the hoodies did not respond. Frodo must have found this discomforting, so he decided not to play anymore and disappear at which all of them were in awe and tried to look for him.

In this game of hide and seek one of the hoodies got set in flames and the rest of them carried him to the nearest pond whilst Frodo who was now discovered, was carried by his highness, and the hobbits as they ran in another direction. We followed them and the scene that beheld us seemed more pure than divine justice! It appeared Aragorn's sins had finally caught up with him as one of the Elven damsels put a blade against his throat and asked him why did he rape her in the middle of the forests to which our liege responded he has only mated with mumakils and trolls in the last one year and thus she let him go, realizing how she must have found the wrong person. It must be noted however, she picked up Frodo and decided to take him as compensation for whatever she had to go through and asked the rest of them to chase her.

In other news Saruman had complaint to Bree County how Gandalf is nowhere to be found – Captain of the guard insists they have their very best men on the job.


	8. One Elven Joyride!

**One Elven Joyride!**

Reuters: We have just received reports about the elven damsel previously spotted with Aragorn – who was merciful to our future king in hopes she might use the bargaining chip later when he actually becomes king and can torture him – was recently seen riding at full speed towards Imladris with Frodo in her knapsack. Locals claim five of the hoodies were spotted chasing her whilst the other three were busy nursing their wounded friend who got set in flames the night before. What seemed like an innocent cat and mouse chase soon turned into a fully fledged pandemonium.

The five hoodies barked how Frodo as the new leader of their outfit should be returned, to which the elf-maiden responded how they can have him, but only at the river crossing a few miles ahead. The five hoodies smiled and still tried to grab for him. Frodo in all this commotion seemed unperturbed as he kept picking his nose and tossing his new found gifts at the hoodies who did not like it much. If that wasn't enough, we spotted Captain Faramir right behind the hoodies who shouted out he needs to catch this new leader and forever ensnare his name as the new faction-heir to the throne of Gondor. Our vision was quite clear as the hoodies dodged every time and some of the boogers landed on Faramir who didn't seem to mind much and kept on charging. Things could have stayed this way, but it was for naught; we saw Gandalf – the so called wizard – on the back of a giant bird as he soared at the top. "A race! Ha! I'll win it!" And indeed he took the lead, our elf-maiden tried to gain on him but Gandalf after all was a conjurer of cheap tricks as he kept playing dirty and disallowed her any such commodity. We learnt from a local source the elf-maiden goes by the name of Arwen and is Lord Elrond's daughter, which still doesn't explain now why Aragorn and the other three hobbits joined in the chase as well and began to throw last night's bacon at the five hoodies.

One of the hoodies screamed and fell from his horse only to have his foot tangle in the spur and was dragged for the remainder of the way. We knew the river crossing was fast approaching, but to make matters worse Gandalf was struck in the head with a banana as someone else rode behind him on a similar giant bird. "I've got you now, Gandalf! Let's join Sauron!" Saruman shouted out, Gandalf pulled at his beard and found the huge dragon cracker which he threw at Saruman and dismounted him – we would like to make you aware this was the same sort of firework stolen by Merry and Pippin on Bilbo's birthday. The firework had a domino effect as it struck Captain Faramir, second in line to the throne of Gondor on the chin and dismounted him as well. His last words before he passed out were "I was a little boy who sparred less and played a lot... " As promised, the elf-maiden stopped and flashed herself at four riding and one tangled hoodie at the end of the river crossing. They rushed forth and were washed by the waters, which makes our lady a liar, Aragorn a sex manic, Gandalf a cheap conjurer, and Frodo an expert booger tosser. The two hobbits are still thieves and the fat one is not known at all.

**Middle Earth Wife Swap**

Week 1 – The she-dwarf shows up in Mordor and is greeted by several orcs as they take her to the new husband. Our new husband is an Uruk-Hai renowned for his fierce behaviour, and we hear a shouting match followed by muffles and some rumbling as one thing leads to another. The she-dwarf teaches this orc the real meaning of proper Dwarven cookery and puts the orc kids to go to bed on time.

Across the middle Earth, the moment our she-orc arrives at Dain's Halls she's taken for an enemy and is now imprisoned in the Dwarven jails, our program admin is now headed for the mountains to clear up the misunderstanding so the program can proceed as seen on MTV.


	9. Fellowship of the Thieves? Rings!

**Fellowship of the ****Thieves**** Ring?**

Imladris, Reuters: "Bring forth the ring," Lord Elrond said; "before us Elves head off to the never-never land we must decide the fate of Middle Earth, 'lest one is decided for us by Mordor." At this Boromir, first in line to the throne of Gondor stood up – who has been hastily despatched after his brother broke his neck whilst trying to be a faction-heir. "Who selected you as the leader of this outfit?" He shouted. "Gondor has no fate, Gondor needs no fate – for after all one day when Middle Earth wife swap comes to Gondor, we'd say NOW truly has the lords of Gondor returned." Gimli, son of Gloin – a dwarf trouble-maker in this part of the town was seen sneaking towards the ring and suddenly hit it hard with a huge axe-hammer. At this, the Dwarf elder smacked Gimli to the back of his head and told him to drop down and give him fifty squats, when he complained Lord Thurandill's son Legolas got up and insisted the dwarven Elder is an 'Elder', Gimli owes him his allegiance but that was not what beheld the scene. As soon as their eyes met, Gandalf began to sing "I've been waiting for a girl like you..." in Elvish, at the time we all exchanged looks but it seemed there was higher purpose to the track, as it brought back everybody's attention to the matter at hand; the ring.

And of course, the sound of a very, very, very old wizard singing this in Elvish was hard to ignore.

Lord Elrond furrowed his brow, scowling and complained how nobody had uttered this song in over thousands of years, Gandalf winked at Gimli – not revealing the dwarf's lust for his elven counterpart and insisted this song will now be uttered in every corner of Middle Earth if they are not careful, we couldn't help but notice the power of the ring drawing at Frodo, as he kept making wierd faces. One of our reporters bet it wasn't because of the ring, but because Frodo wanted to go to the bathroom – we all took a part in this bet whilst the meeting continued and of course when the pool was at 20 gold coins, he won as Frodo stood up and asked for permission to go number two, and again Lord Elrond muttered how nobody in over ten thousand years has ever left a secret council meeting to relieve themselves. Frodo sat down reluctantly, and the obsidian odour was hard to miss for even the bearded dwarves as we knew now why the elves never left a meeting, for they were after all tree-folk – we are very sure Lord Elrond regretted his decision from stopping Frodo and must have wondered if enduring what followed was worth ensuring a ten thousand year legacy.

As everybody tried to look for handkerchiefs, Gimli stood up and shouted "never trust an elf!" and soon everybody started fighting. We tried to intervene to let them know this was no act of bio espionage by the elves, but they refused to listen. Even Frodo muttered a few words but that didn't stop them. They finally stopped fighting one another when Frodo shouted out "ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT I'LL TAKE THE RING... MAY I PLEASE GO TO THE BATHROOM NOW?" Lord Elrond couldn't have agreed more, a fellowship was hastily formed and Frodo finally allowed the much needed reprieve.

The meeting had come to an end.


	10. A Wizard went Down to Moria

**A Wizard Went Down to Moria, He was Looking for a Soul to Steal...**

Reuters: _...He was in a bind, he was way behind – he was looking to make a deal. _Our Fellowship has now made it successfully out of Moria, but the events that took place in the last one week were more than just a bit hazardous – both to Moria and its residents.

"Let the ringbearer decide." Gandalf announced, we observed as Frodo finally gave up pushing Merry and Pippin off the ridge and grinned. He's finally won the bet how Saruman was the better wizard than Gandalf, their eyes narrowed and Aragorn had to pull this little trouble maker back again as he repeated the same trick on Gandalf, finally succumbing to agreement how they should travel through the mines of Moria. "Soon you'll witness the splendour of Dwarven hospitality! We break open heads, rip off necks and dance with spears stuck in our arse – it's just that time of the year!" Gimli announced, joyful at the notion of returning back to celebrate their annual festival, the Fellowship exchanged looks. We noticed how before Aragorn would have had the chance, Legolas freed his horse and let it wander off when we arrived at the entrance, much to Aragorn's disdain as it seemed our faction-heir had harboured unclean intentions for the innocent beast once the riding was done, we also interfered and reminded him of his punishment and he promised he'd behave.

We watched from faraway as Gandalf sang tunes throughout the night, begging the dwarves to open their door, and Merry & Pippin tossed stones in the water. Frodo tried to join in the chorus, the mountainfolk must have taken a liking to his voice because then the doors creaked open, but it was something else that held the scene. Suddenly we spotted a giant tentacle monster that got out of the river and began crying; she was clearly complaining about the two hobbits hunting her with small rocks. Suddenly Aragorn and Legolas joined in the fun as well, as they hurled arrows and swords at the poor thing. She wept and tried to block off the assault but our fellowship was insistent. It was only the idea of ripping necks and spear in arse festival that drew them away and they finally made their way into the mines. The door closed behind us as we followed, and for a moment it seemed as if the whole world would come crashing down.

Inside we discovered much to Gimli's dismay that Balin had lost the mines of Moria to goblins in a game of poker. An account from Balin's diary said; "They came with skill of great renown, and when the last cards were revealed the Earth shook as each of them fell on the table. They won, room after another until the whole castle is theirs – we now make for Dain's Halls. P:S = No festival this year, what a bitch." Soon the goblins appeared and demanded compensation for our woeful trespass – during the process of negotiation it was discovered Frodo had a mithril west worth more than the entire Shire, Gandalf owed the goblins too, Aragorn also harboured indecent desires for goblins, Merry and Pippin like to jump, Gimli likes Legolas way too much and the fat hobbit is still the wrong choice for this fellowship.

In the end they were allowed safe passage but Gandalf would now have to share his bed with the balrog for 15 days and 14 nights. With each day, hope rekindles anew – as the fellowship continues its journey.


	11. Rumble in the Jungle

**Rumble in the Jungle**

Mirkwood, Silvan Elves - Reuters: From our Mirkwood station, it's been reported the Fellowship had finally crossed into the Silvan Elves territory. Right after crossing the border, we informed the fellowship to be on their guard for there exist a witch of the wilds in these forests to which Gimli responded, and we quote "she can kiss my rocky dwarven arse!" Moments later they were held at blade-point and allowed entrance into Mirkwood. All but Aragorn, given his reputation with the local wildlife and elven damsels, our future highness was tied to a tree and left to fend for himself until the fellowship returns.

It wasn't long after when Galadriel aka witch of the wilds made her appearance and welcomed the fellowship, when told what fate befell Gandalf our Elves began to commemorate his love affair with the balrog, when questioned Legolas refused to comment on what they were saying fearing our censor standards and the Elves' like for descriptive explicit rapping. The unknown, fat hobbit stood up and did his own poem; "Halfling's or bust, he said – Help the fellowship I must, he led – Opened doors within Moria's dust, he did – Succumbed to a Balrog's lust, amen." We still have yet to learn his name. All this while, we discovered Gimli using his pick-up lines on Legolas who refused to respond – we understand this needs to be resolved before any final battle; we spoke to Legolas about taking care for 'a friend in need', he walked away once more. We have got in contact with one of our matchmakers who should join us in Gondor to resolve the Gimli-Legolas issue, as we sincerely care for the fate of the Middle-Earth since a horny dwarf is a scary dwarf.

Our little troublemaker Frodo was following Galadriel about, she insisted he take a look in the magic-water-flowing-mirror-that-shows-future, Frodo reluctantly agreed. We realized Galadriel didn't know the true extent of its power for she was clearly surprised when the mirror showed him her nude form. Our Mirkwood division was on the scene per usual and we have recorded accounts of how witch of the wilds truly is in the flesh. She refused to comment and ran away insisting she must gather her thoughts before commenting, during this ordeal she fell asleep on the floor, as is the norm with the witches since they mutter the most dastardly of spells when they are distraught. Realizing how he must win the true lust of his compatriot we watched Gimli as he began to shave her head – he now possesses a head-full of our lady's mane and plans on gifting it to Legolas to win his hand. We were chased out of Mirkwood soon after.

Of course in all this commotion we failed to see the real threat as Boromir took Frodo captive and insisted Middle Earth wife swap must be done in Gondor, we tried explaining how the ring-bearer should be released before any negotiation but he refused. We sent a runner down to Isengard who informed Saruman – soon an army of Uruk-Hai was despatched that marched for one reason alone; to salvage Middle-Earth wife swap and ensure it stays its course. Once more pandemonium broke out as everybody fought everybody else and Frodo in all this commotion decided he didn't want to play anymore so he walks away. The fat hobbit follows him, finally thinking this is his chance for renown. We have now learnt his name is made up of the acronym S.A.M. We have our codebreakers trying to find what these initials stand for however our resident expert suggests this is a publicity stunt on his part.

In other news Merry and Pippin are now taken as compensation for Boromir's insolence, Aragorn has vowed never to cross-breed again until he can rescue them, and Faramir's finally first in line for the stewardship of Gondor. Gondor refused to comment.


	12. Welcome Frodo Sanitarium

"**Welcome Frodo Sanitarium"**

Reuters: A few moments back we received reports about Frodo having nightmares, could this be the result of chickens coming home to roost? We were at the scene and our little trouble maker wasted no time to jump at the spotlight; "It began with the forging of great rings... ten were given to men..." We paused him and inquired if this was indeed what he dreamt, he finally told us the real story; "It was a dark, dark night... and suddenly I heard Gandalf screaming. The balrog was laughing... Gandalf tried to run but the Balrog ran it down, and they... they – Oh I don't have the words... they were doing things! And then they turned their attention at me as both of them started walking towards me, and they... they... Oh..." The fat hobbit with the acronym S.A.M interrupted, "go on mister Frodo, just let if off your chest." Frodo resumed, "they got hold of me and did unthinkable things to me! Tables, chairs, chains, masks, carrots and setting suns!" We realized he was distraught, so we called an end to that. But the real query remained; the hobbits were indeed lost. If that wasn't enough, we soon heard commotion as an old friend came to us pay a visit. Gollum aka Smeagol attacked our hobbits who finally overpowered him after dangling Bilbo's one hundred old sock in front of his face, and we quote – "This stinks – you've smelled it before!" Smeagol indeed had, so he finally gave up and began shouting; "release us, release us! Or give us pain! We likes it, we wants it! Pain, pain, hit us... throttle us... pummel us! Pain!"

They carried a bound Smeagol for several days and we followed because we smelled this turning into another story, and seriously there is not much else to cover in Middle-Earth. It was finally decided that Smeagol shall help them get into Mordor, to which he claimed he would do so only for a certain price. "We wants pain! More, more, more!" He shouted, after handing our habits a cat o'nine tails, Frodo without wasting a moment began cat-o-nine-tailing Gollum's behind and later shared with us, it was also a constituent of his dream, or rather what Gandalf and the Balrog did to him as well as to each other. We have decided to censor the rest of Frodo's dream as we are unable to verify it, and it goes against our censor standards. S.A.M of course dislikes the idea of our pain loving friend Gollum accompanying Frodo, as it steals his hard earned thunder and he wishes to establish a fan base once this is all over.

Upon reaching the Black Gate Gollum refused to go any further because of the heavy orc presence in the area. We were also able to spot an army of Easterlings standing at the ready – however further inspection showed it was Sauron's birthday and the entire Mordor was asked to come. There were also "Welcome to Mordor Frodo!" posters up, since this peaceful community was expecting the much famous ring-bearer sometime soon. If that wasn't enough, we also saw a hoodie flying atop a fell beast trying to look for Frodo so that they can invite for Sauron's birthday, it was very evident they had it all planned right to the note for none seemed amiss, we saw dancing orcs, fire breathing orcs, and sword swallowing orcs – We have realized Sauron, even in spirit, has style and will now be bringing you "Sauron Fashion Week" and "Cribs Special – Orcs" to you every week to shed more light over there fashionistic lifestyle.

We also tried to tell Frodo about these events but he refused to listen as he was afraid they'd make him dance in his knickers around a bonfire. We insisted no more as S.A.M's eyes brightened up at the idea.


	13. Of Chaos and Horselords

**Of Chaos and Horselords**

Reuters: A contingent of our reporting entourage decided to stick with Aragorn and his group of riffraff after the untimely departure of Boromir, we received reports how the hobbits have been eventful and decided to continue sticking with this group to ensure we bring you the latest in this edition of the forum of what took, and didn't took place within the fellowship.

Our third day on the endless search for the two hobbits began with Aragorn's complaints; Aragorn has now abstained from harbouring any unclean thoughts for the Middle-Earth wild life for almost three days and it appears to be taking its toll on our 'young' faction-heir. Gimli and Legolas have tried to be very reassuring, but the trick hadn't worked for the remaining three members of the fellowship had been constantly on the move, trying to hunt down the group of Uruk-Hai who took Merry and Pippin. On the second day, it was reported by Legolas (who after giving the plant & weed filled ground thorough licking and smooching, much to Gimli's envy of course) that the hobbits have been taken to Isengard to take part in Saruman's "Strictly Come - Pants Off, Dance Off" special, when questioned about his antics Legolas explained it's an ancient Elven tradition where important knowledge can be gained about abductees by loving the ground. We approached Gimli to share his vision who only insisted "Dwarves have splendid stamina that lasts all night long" which had nothing to do with our query, and once again made Legolas very, very uncomfortable.

We sent a runner down to our main offices in Bree who despatched an enquiring party to Isengard to ensure whether there really was a "Strictly Come – Pants Off, Dance Off" competition being held there. Saruman must have found our presence annoying so he chased off our reporters and his staff asked us to never come back again. In totally unrelated news, several miscreants were spotted tossing small stones and bags of sand at the great eye because of which the eye was temporarily blinded, and the miscreants chased away. No member of the staff at "Forum" is found responsible, case closed.

On our way back to Bree we took abode in Edoras where we discovered the Horselord King Theoden now suffers from an overdose of Halfling's leaf. Once heavily consumed by this population to remove the "Crab Epidemic" in Rohan it is now confirmed the much-praised celebrity Grima Wormtongue should be held responsible for the sudden loss of king's health. When we approached Wormtongue and asked him how he felt about the recent developments, his response was; "Who knows what you've spoken to the darkness in the bitter watches of the night, when all your life seems to shrink. The walls of your bower closing in about you, a hutch to trammel some wild thing in." We have now recorded the riddle and offer a gold piece to anyone who can tell us what it means. During our stay we found one of the Horselords Eomer arrested and banished from the kingdom for not taking part in its Halfling's leaf culture, lady Eowyn tried to intervene but was told how abusers of cocaine are to be banished forthwith to which our lady held her peace. It was a sad sight to behold, Eomer marching away with his band of Rohirrim but before we trouble our readers with pessimism it must be understood the riders turned towards Fangorn, where Halfling's leaf grows wild so there is hope after all.

It was reported moments ago that Merry can fool Pippin, and is one of the better thieves or troublemakers. One of our reporters braved the terrain as he followed them closely and was able to observe as the Uruk-Hai made camp for the night. A few of them insisted Merry and Pippin show them their dance moves but the Elder Uruk-Hai intervened and asked them to shut up. "Meat" was almost back on the menu, and Merry & Pippin about to dance when we heard commotion as Eomer and riders crashed into the Uruk-Hai slaughtering them. Our experts insist Eomer felt left out and if he was invited in the Saruman special dance competition things might have been a lot better. The night was over for a lot of souls on Middle-Earth.

In more news, the great eye is functional again and we have also heard rumours about a donkey that walks upside-down on its head known as the mouth of Sauron, we'll bring you more.


End file.
